It’s the neverness that is so painful. Never again to be here with us–never to sit with us at table, never to travel with us, never to laugh with us, never to cry with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his brothers and sister marry. All the rest of our lives we must live without him. Only our death can stop the pain of his death.
A month, a year, five years–with that I could live. But not this forever.
I step outdoors into the moist moldy fragrance of an early summer morning and arm in arm with my enjoyment comes the realization that never again will he smell this.
As a cloud vanishes and is gone,
so he who goes down to the grave does not return,
He will never come to his house again;
his place will know him no more. (Job 7:9-10)
One small misstep and now this endless neverness.