The Tenth Anathema of the famous anti-Origenist Fifteen reads:
If anyone shall say that after the resurrection the body of the Lord was ethereal, having the form of a sphere, and that such shall be the bodies of all after the resurrection, let him be anathema.
Spherical resurrection bodies? Did those crazy 6th century Origenists really entertain speculations like these? It appears that they did, and even more surprisingly, they may have been on to something. Archaeologists have recovered this ancient video that reveals a glimpse into the Eschaton. Prepare to be amazed.
And now a second video has been discovered. Apparently, the spherically resurrected are able to visit hell (fondly called “the Village” by inhabitants) and gaily torture the prisoners.
A spokesman at the Vatican has identified the eschatological sphere as St Rover, a minor saint and inquisitor from the 12th century who lived on the outskirts of Paris. Very little is known about him, though scholars believe that he is descended from the great Viking chieftain Rollo. “Clearly he enjoys his punitory work,” the spokesman chuckled. “All to the glory of God.”
In light of the videos, a papal commission has been set up to reassess the anti-Origenist anathemas. As Cardinal Parolin explained: “The Church must not remain stuck in the past. We need to keep up with these new revelations.” When asked whether the Church would finally reconsider the conciliar condemnation of Origen, he replied: “Absolutely not. There is no evidence that Origen ever taught the spherical shape of resurrection bodies. Once a heretic, always a heretic.”
Moscow Patriarchate spokesman Archpriest Igor Yakimchuk was asked about the spherical revelations. “Is outrage!” he brusquely replied, slamming his fist on his desk. “Yet another Latin hoax. Don’t forget The Donation of Constantine. Real saints are not balloons!”